drunkpeonies

I’m just trying to process this really weird feeling in me right now.

I said I’m happy for you, to see that you’re getting back on track, and potentially will be doing better than the last. But if I were to be completely honest tonight, I felt more anxious than happy. And maybe a little wishing that was me instead.

And it became apparent to me that other things aside, I’ve also been seeing you as competition.

That I’ve been lowkey comparing my scorecard against yours.
This evening in particular, ignited this fire in me like never before – I have to start getting my sh*t together and I need to be doing better.

And only you have this power to spur me like that.

And suddenly, I want to fight again.

Guess a little bit of competition does keep things interesting sometimes.

And maybe, you would be my trigger event.

The number of times I’ve hung out with them easily would surpass the number of times we slept next to each other.

They’re nice. They remember the little things, even what I posted on my stories.

It’s not even a date; yet it all feels so wrong. Because more than half the time I wish it was with you instead.

And now I feel like a b*tch who is doing this for the feel-good factor. Which I probably am.

So I can go on with life with some kind of normalcy. Except nothing is normal right now.

Ultimately nothing is coming out of this – it couldn’t be clearer than the day.

Because they are not you.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

If only people knew the kind of things we’d talk about when we are together, they’d say we are toxic for each other. 

But what do they know? 

They don’t know me like you do.

They don’t know you like I do.

Tonight is particularly difficult as I force myself to confront my own demons.

Perhaps due to the fact that they have to be exemplary in some ways, they always take on a very encouraging stance when it comes to work stuff. Because only positive vibes, right?

But you and I, we don’t dig that. As much as I’m known to be the optimist, I am also all for keeping sh*t real. And we probably acquired this ability to sniff out bs from miles away, from where we hailed from. It’s little wonder we are not impressed by many things that many out there are easily “mindblown” by.

Only you would truly understand my struggles. Which I can and only will speak of to none other than you. We are – and were supposed to be – each other’s safe space.

We may indulge in each other’s downward spiral, yet you also have the ability to lift me like no other. I don’t know about you but I’d like to believe that I did to some extent for you as well.

And now there is no one else I can talk to about the things that only you know so well. That I don’t have to explain. Because we just get each other.

I hate to admit this but I am so fucking lost without you.

“What would I do without you?”

I remember pulling this on you but you did not take my bait. How annoying, haha.

But tonight, I really feel it.

What am I supposed to do without you?

I hate that I am so bloody sober tonight. Sobriety really is painful.

It’s a different kind of heartache to learn that your client has made a claim on death benefit.

For his child.

Grade 4 glioblastoma; very aggressive and typically has poor prognosis.

She was 12 days shy of turning 18 when she passed – 9 months after her diagnosis.

I can’t even imagine the kind of pain he and his wife have had to go through. No parent should have to lay their baby to rest.

He was never a believer of insurance. Until his daughter fell ill.

Good thing is, his wife is and has always been the one to take care of the family’s insurance needs.

It’s sad that many times it has to take a life-changing event to change someone’s perspective on insurance. Usually a little too late.

However, I’m also heartened to learn that he has since gotten himself covered for hospitalization and CI.

Though he previously did some planning with me, it was purely out of support, not belief. And this has always bothered me. I felt like I haven’t exactly done enough to make him see the value of what I do. I even questioned myself if I should have acquired him as client in the first place because I realised that our beliefs are not aligned – which sometimes can be challenging when I’m trying to do my part as his advisor.

He shared me with me that his daughter’s ordeal has made him reflect on life and how some of his views have changed. He realised that life can be really fleeting and unpredictable, and that one can simply drop dead at any time, without warning. And therefore he now feels that we should try to live everyday to the fullest because there is no knowing if we will even live to see tomorrow.

Cherish life. Cherish those who matter to you.

For everyday we get to open our eyes to another daybreak, is but a blessing.

You know how sometimes you are no longer connected to someone, how they have become the someone that you used to know?

But you are still linked somehow.

By common friends, business relationships etc, whose presence will once in a while remind you of what once used to be.

And your heart would still ache a little. Not because you still feel for them.

But because even after all this time you just never understood what exactly happened that led to the end of what was once so pure and beautiful. A supposed evergreen and everlast.

And to your grave you shall always carry this ache with you.

“I look for you all day… when I turn a corner or I pass by one of the scan rooms, getting on an elevator.

I hope that maybe I’ll just catch a glimpse of you. And when I see you, every time it makes me catch my breath. 

Seeing you, talking to you… It’s all I can think about.”

And as my eyes wandered across the room and inadvertently met yours, it’s almost like I’ve got a heart arrhythmia.

And in that moment I knew.

cecidi.

So are many other things.

The way we communicate.
The way we process our feelings.
The way we approach problems.
The way men generally can compartmentalize while women somehow have a way to link everything together.

Funny, isn’t it?

That God took a rib from man to create a woman, yet both are wired so, so differently on the inside.

I can feel it in my bones.

I can see it when I close my eyes.

This is going to be so, so, great.

We almost made it happen. Almost.