The number of times I’ve hung out with them easily would surpass the number of times we slept next to each other.

They’re nice. They remember the little things, even what I posted on my stories.

It’s not even a date; yet it all feels so wrong. Because more than half the time I wish it was with you instead.

And now I feel like a b*tch who is doing this for the feel-good factor. Which I probably am.

So I can go on with life with some kind of normalcy. Except nothing is normal right now.

Ultimately nothing is coming out of this – it couldn’t be clearer than the day.

Because they are not you.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

If only people knew the kind of things we’d talk about when we are together, they’d say we are toxic for each other. 

But what do they know? 

They don’t know me like you do.

They don’t know you like I do.

Tonight is particularly difficult as I force myself to confront my own demons.

Perhaps due to the fact that they have to be exemplary in some ways, they always take on a very encouraging stance when it comes to work stuff. Because only positive vibes, right?

But you and I, we don’t dig that. As much as I’m known to be the optimist, I am also all for keeping sh*t real. And we probably acquired this ability to sniff out bs from miles away, from where we hailed from. It’s little wonder we are not impressed by many things that many out there are easily “mindblown” by.

Only you would truly understand my struggles. Which I can and only will speak of to none other than you. We are – and were supposed to be – each other’s safe space.

We may indulge in each other’s downward spiral, yet you also have the ability to lift me like no other. I don’t know about you but I’d like to believe that I did to some extent for you as well.

And now there is no one else I can talk to about the things that only you know so well. That I don’t have to explain. Because we just get each other.

I hate to admit this but I am so fucking lost without you.

“What would I do without you?”

I remember pulling this on you but you did not take my bait. How annoying, haha.

But tonight, I really feel it.

What am I supposed to do without you?

I hate that I am so bloody sober tonight. Sobriety really is painful.